Wasn’t one of the commandments “thou shalt not gamble” or something to that effect? I guess Yahweh is one of those parents that preaches “do as I say not as I do” because in the Book of Job, he takes gambling to the extreme. For those not familiar with the Job and his book, let me paint you a picture.

Once upon a time ago, there was this dude named Job. Job was a blessed man who always aspired to do the right thing. Rescuing your kitty from a burning bush, saving your lambs from renegade gargoyles, reminding children to say their prayers and take their vitamins, he was your typical Mr. Rogers of the Torrah. So one day, Job is minding his own business, doing his  nice guy thing when Satan calls up Yahweh. The conversation goes a little something like this…

Satan: Yo, mah niggaaaaaaaaa, what’s up!

*Michael hands phone to Yahweh*

Michael: It’s him again.

Yah: “Sigh.” What do you want Lucifer?

Satan: I told you about callin me Lucifer. Dat’s my slave name. I’m Satan now.

Yah: Like oh my god, is that what you called me for? Listen, long distance is like kinda expensive and I have like a lot of stuff on my mind right now and I really don’t need–

Satan: Listen, listen. I’ve been keeping my eye on this Job guy. He does everything you say and you don’t even have to torture him first. How do you do it?

Yah: I don’t do anything. Job is a nice guy. He follows my will because he like totally loves me.

Satan: Really? I don’t know man. I think he’s doin it mainly for the benefits.

*Yahweh sits up and twirls his hair*

Yah: What do you mean?

Satan: Listen, I didn’t wanna be the one to have to tell you this but you kinda got a reputation among the humans down here. I know you think they “love” you and all that good shit but word in the promised land is they just think you’re crazy.

Yah: So what. I have some haters but Job isn’t like that. He follows my will because he wants to. I’ve like never forced him to do anything.

Satan: Care to make a little wager then?

Yah: What kind of wager?

Satan: Here’s the deal. I bet if you take away all of Job’s blessings, make his his life a living hell, he’ll forsake you. If I win I get his soul if you win then you prove yourself to be right and I know for you there’s no greater victory than being right.

Yah: Ok Satan. I accept your bet. Do what you must to Job.

So as you see, that one little conversation would have a tremendous effect on Job’s life. Yahweh removed Job from his protection which allowed Satan to come in and fuck up his life. Wife divorced him, 13 year old daughter got pregnant, caught the gout, everything bad that could happen to you in life Satan made sure to visit upon Job. But instead of blaming Yahweh, good ol Job simply blamed himself for his bad luck. Even going so far as to get depressed and convincing himself if he had never been born none of these bad things would be happening to him. Damn, now that’s loyalty.

{PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP}    Hey God, It’s me again. You haven’t returned any of my prayers. It’s been 3 weeks now. I’m kinda dying over here. Soooo, ok, I’ll talk to you later then.

Eventually Job begins to question Yahweh.In true asshole fashion, Yahweh doesn’t answer any of Job’s prayers and even replays his messages on the prayer machine and mocks them with all the angels. With Yahweh being a douche, Job turns to his three friends Jerriphous, Georgious, and Kramus for guidance. Like most friends, the three offer no real help other than to talk shit about Yahweh in order to make   Job feel better about himself. Yahweh always listening, can no longer contain himself and appears unto them saying “OMG. I can’t even leave you alone for one millennium without you whining like a baby. I’m going to ask you some questions and you need to answer them.”

After Yahweh speaks, Job, who seconds ago was literally about to rip into Yahweh and the entire Hebrew faith losses his nerve and tells Yahweh that he is unworthy to talk to him and puts his hand over his mouth, symbolizing his bitchassness.  Yahweh takes this as a sign for victory and teleports back to heaven. The next day Yahweh restores all of Job’s calamities and blesses him with7 sons and 3 daughters. The daughters were said to be the finest agarots in all the land so I’m sure Job properly pimped them out to the highest bidder and tripled his fortune. Remember kids, women had no rights in these times so whoring them out to the highest bidder was “A ok” in the eyes of the Lord.

Job’s daughters…All dat ass in dem dresses.

People of the faith will tell you that this story was an example about how having faith in God no matter what will ultimatly reward you. I think these people are wrong. The Bible is all about interpretation and what I interpreted from this story was never go full “nice guy.” Job’s problem was that he was too damn nice. So nice that he earned a reputation for being the nicest guy in all the land.

Of course when you have a rep like that people are gonna come fuck with it. In Job’s case those people just happened to be the Lord of Heaven and and the Master of Heaven. Job was fucked from the start.  Sure in the end Yahweh rewarded him with a bunch a sweet shit but will it replace all the mental scars from the shit he had to go through before? In the back of his mind he was probably paranoid as fuck knowing that on any whim Yahweh could take away all his new shit just to play another game with his life; and who knows who long it would last the next time.

The real winners in this story are Josephous the baker, Carl the carpenter, and all the other people not included in the story. These people were regular, run of the mill Hebrews who treaded the fine line of mediocracy.  They weren’t too nice yet too mean and because of that they weren’t noticed by Yahweh or Satan. So if you don’t want God fucking up your life, always strive for the bare minimum. Sure you might not be blessed with 3 fine ass daughters but you also won’t get a huge celestial penis shoved in your ass.

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Ok, so we all know the story of the Virgin Mary. If not, let me give you a quick crash course.

Once upon a time there was this broad named Mary, and she was a virgin. Mary was given to the synagogue at an early age by her parents where she got a proper Jewish education. Later on in life, Mary was approached by some angels saying that she had been chosen to house the vessel of God. Here is where my theory kicks in.

Lets first look at this through the eyes of Mary. You’re a just a normal orphan kid, livin in the synagogue, playing with your dradel or doin whatever Jewish kids did “Before Christ.” Then out of nowhere, not even a fucking courtesy knock on the door, this angel manifests himself in your room. Not only is he violating your space, (which clearly had a “Do Not Enter” sign on the door which he clearly would have seen if he cared enough to use the door) but then he commences to telling you that God has chosen you to be his baby’s mama. Quite a “WTF” moment I’d imagine.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Mary was raised in the synagogue so I’m sure they gave her a proper Jewish brainwashing. Yahweh was probably the R. Kelly of Mary’s time. I remember when R. Kelly was dating Aliyah, who was a minor at the time, people looked the other way because it was R.Kelly. So if the Jews did find out that GD knocked up some 13 year old virgin, they’d prolly give him the R. Kelly treatment or else be turned into a pillar of flaming dog shit for their blasphemy.

If God is R. Kelly, Mary, being raised in the synagogue, would most likely be a fanatic. She probably had all his commandments, am “I love GD” ankle bracelet, action figurines, stained glass picture of his silhouette hanging on her wall, etc. And like all R.Kelly fans, one of her deepest desires was most likely fucking him. So painting this new, more accurate portrait of Mary, when Yahweh’s entourage came down from heaven and told Mary “Aye, GD want’s you backstage, tonight.” She probably slipped out of her tallit and commenced straight to the statutory rape (which was legal in those times).

You want me to do what?!

So to conclude this special episode of Law & Order: Historical Victims Unit, no, Mary was most likely not raped. She probably wanted it and dreamed her whole life of having it.I mean lets get real here, this is Yahweh we’re talking about. Nigga is ballin out of control like a mutha fucka. He created the stars, the moon, life, the universe, everything. Having GD’s love child has got to be the highest plateau one can climb in the realm of mortality. And man, can you imagine that child support check? If Shaq pays $10,000 a month for child support plus another $10,000 in alimony, I can’t even imagine the shit Mary was getting.

Oh wait, this was thousands of years before the implementation of child support and Yahweh was kind of a dick, so, yeeeeeaaaah. Well hey, either way, she got the holiest of the holy rammed into her. She must have been a real agorot piece because I don’t remember Yahweh ever knocking up any other humans in the Torah or the Bible.And when you think about it, that’s a victory unto itself – Galatians 3:17

Yahweh was feeling particularly more vain than usual one day (what else is new) and thought to himself “I know Abraham loves me but how much does he really love me? Archangel Micheal (and resident BFF) casually flips through his copy of Tiger Beat and says “You should ask him to kill his son, it’s the only way you’ll ever know for sure.” And thus Yahweh shouted down from heaven, “Abe my dear, we need to talk.”

For those who don’t know, Abraham just wasn’t some ordinary dude. He was pretty much Yahweh’s right hand human at this point and was credited to be

See that burning bush there? Smile you're on Yahweh's Funniest Home Videos!

the future father of many nations, most notably the Islamic, Christian, and Judaic faiths. So you can imagine that when Abraham received Yahweh’s text about his son he was probably confused as all fuck. But it’s Yahweh so whaddya gonna do? The last guy that disobeyed an order from him was turned into a burning bush for Christ’s sake.

So Abraham and Issac make a 3 day trek to a mountain in the land of Moriah. Along the way, Issac, who’s carrying the wood for his own sacrifice (poor kid) asks his father where the sacrificial lamb was. Abraham avoids his gaze and reply’s “uuuuh, I talked to God yesterday in my dreams. He said he’d handle it.” Poor bastard didn’t even have the heart to tell him that he was the mark.

So the two make it to the mountain and Abraham tells Issac the horrible truth. Issac I imagine was pissed but it was Yahweh’s will so whaddya gonna do? As Abraham holds the knife in the air and brings it down, an angel appears at the last second and stops him. Abraham and Issac thank the angel and Yahweh gives Abraham some more titles and bragging rights for the stressful prank he put him through. In our day, if a kid was about to be slaughtered by his own father, he’d probably have a lot of mental scars over it but people were stronger back then apparently so Issac got over it.

Still, I bet that 3 day journey back home was awkward as hell. I wonder what they talked about.

Yahweh, the God of the Torrah was really something else. Out of all the gods that ever existed, I think I he loved punking humans the most. He almost seemed addicted to it. One of my favorite examples from his many pranks came in the form of Sodom and Gomorrah.

We all know the story Sodom and Gomorrah were the Vegas and Amsterdam of their time. Yahweh accepted all their shit but when homosexuality and sodomy became legalized, he said “you mutha fuckas are crazy” and torched the place.

Yahweh didn’t kill everyone however. As any good gangsta knows, in order to increase your hood status you have to leave at least one survivor. Someone to live on and pass the message, “don’t fuck with this guy. Mofo bombed an entire city.” So Yahweh choose Abraham to be his message boy.

Yahweh tells good ol Abe that the shit is goin down but he and his

Abraham’s only mistake. Not keeping his ho in line.

family will be spared because their not fucking animals like the rest of their crazy friends. It’s go tiem now and Abe and his fam have all their stuff packed and ready to go. Yahweh tells Abe to start running but what ever you do “DON’T LOOK BACK.”

Now this shit is hilarious to me because when you tell someone “not” to do something, what’s the first hing they’re gonna do? Exactly. it’s even funnier when you remember the fact that Yahweh sees the past, present, and future at the same time so he knows what’s going to happen before it happens while it’s happening. Yahweh knew Sarah was going to turn back.   So the question is, if he knew Sarah was going to turn back and look, why did he bother telling her?

Simple, I think Yahweh purposely told Sarah not to look back so that she WOULD look back thus turning her to ash. Why would Yahweh do that you ask? Cause he’s a dick and that’s what dicks do. As a dick for 20 years I can recognize a dick move when I see one and trust me bro, that was a masterly executed cosmic dick move.

Before there was Trina there was Hera.

Known formally as the Queen of Olympus. At the office she’s in charge of planning weddings and baby showers but don’t let her day job fool you, this bitch’ll murk you. Just ask Hercules. Wanting to get revenge on her hubby Zeus for cheating on her…AGAIN, she decides to take out her fury on his favorite son good ol Herc. How?

Hera spiked Hercules’ grape drink and made him murder his entire family. That’s how. You should’a seen his face afterwards. He was maaaaaaad. If that wasn’t bad enough, she then ratted him out to Daddy and Herc was forced to complete 12 impossible labors. Talk about a one, two combination. Don’t fuck with this bitch, she’ll make you kill your mom and give you 12 years of community service with one snap of the neck.