So Abe, How Much Do You Really Love Me?

Posted: August 6, 2011 in Classical
Tags: , , ,

Yahweh was feeling particularly more vain than usual one day (what else is new) and thought to himself “I know Abraham loves me but how much does he really love me? Archangel Micheal (and resident BFF) casually flips through his copy of Tiger Beat and says “You should ask him to kill his son, it’s the only way you’ll ever know for sure.” And thus Yahweh shouted down from heaven, “Abe my dear, we need to talk.”

For those who don’t know, Abraham just wasn’t some ordinary dude. He was pretty much Yahweh’s right hand human at this point and was credited to be

See that burning bush there? Smile you're on Yahweh's Funniest Home Videos!

the future father of many nations, most notably the Islamic, Christian, and Judaic faiths. So you can imagine that when Abraham received Yahweh’s text about his son he was probably confused as all fuck. But it’s Yahweh so whaddya gonna do? The last guy that disobeyed an order from him was turned into a burning bush for Christ’s sake.

So Abraham and Issac make a 3 day trek to a mountain in the land of Moriah. Along the way, Issac, who’s carrying the wood for his own sacrifice (poor kid) asks his father where the sacrificial lamb was. Abraham avoids his gaze and reply’s “uuuuh, I talked to God yesterday in my dreams. He said he’d handle it.” Poor bastard didn’t even have the heart to tell him that he was the mark.

So the two make it to the mountain and Abraham tells Issac the horrible truth. Issac I imagine was pissed but it was Yahweh’s will so whaddya gonna do? As Abraham holds the knife in the air and brings it down, an angel appears at the last second and stops him. Abraham and Issac thank the angel and Yahweh gives Abraham some more titles and bragging rights for the stressful prank he put him through. In our day, if a kid was about to be slaughtered by his own father, he’d probably have a lot of mental scars over it but people were stronger back then apparently so Issac got over it.

Still, I bet that 3 day journey back home was awkward as hell. I wonder what they talked about.

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