Law/Order: Historical Victims Unit: Was Mary Raped?

Posted: August 9, 2011 in New Age
Tags: , , , , ,

Ok, so we all know the story of the Virgin Mary. If not, let me give you a quick crash course.

Once upon a time there was this broad named Mary, and she was a virgin. Mary was given to the synagogue at an early age by her parents where she got a proper Jewish education. Later on in life, Mary was approached by some angels saying that she had been chosen to house the vessel of God. Here is where my theory kicks in.

Lets first look at this through the eyes of Mary. You’re a just a normal orphan kid, livin in the synagogue, playing with your dradel or doin whatever Jewish kids did “Before Christ.” Then out of nowhere, not even a fucking courtesy knock on the door, this angel manifests himself in your room. Not only is he violating your space, (which clearly had a “Do Not Enter” sign on the door which he clearly would have seen if he cared enough to use the door) but then he commences to telling you that God has chosen you to be his baby’s mama. Quite a “WTF” moment I’d imagine.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Mary was raised in the synagogue so I’m sure they gave her a proper Jewish brainwashing. Yahweh was probably the R. Kelly of Mary’s time. I remember when R. Kelly was dating Aliyah, who was a minor at the time, people looked the other way because it was R.Kelly. So if the Jews did find out that GD knocked up some 13 year old virgin, they’d prolly give him the R. Kelly treatment or else be turned into a pillar of flaming dog shit for their blasphemy.

If God is R. Kelly, Mary, being raised in the synagogue, would most likely be a fanatic. She probably had all his commandments, am “I love GD” ankle bracelet, action figurines, stained glass picture of his silhouette hanging on her wall, etc. And like all R.Kelly fans, one of her deepest desires was most likely fucking him. So painting this new, more accurate portrait of Mary, when Yahweh’s entourage came down from heaven and told Mary “Aye, GD want’s you backstage, tonight.” She probably slipped out of her tallit and commenced straight to the statutory rape (which was legal in those times).

You want me to do what?!

So to conclude this special episode of Law & Order: Historical Victims Unit, no, Mary was most likely not raped. She probably wanted it and dreamed her whole life of having it.I mean lets get real here, this is Yahweh we’re talking about. Nigga is ballin out of control like a mutha fucka. He created the stars, the moon, life, the universe, everything. Having GD’s love child has got to be the highest plateau one can climb in the realm of mortality. And man, can you imagine that child support check? If Shaq pays $10,000 a month for child support plus another $10,000 in alimony, I can’t even imagine the shit Mary was getting.

Oh wait, this was thousands of years before the implementation of child support and Yahweh was kind of a dick, so, yeeeeeaaaah. Well hey, either way, she got the holiest of the holy rammed into her. She must have been a real agorot piece because I don’t remember Yahweh ever knocking up any other humans in the Torah or the Bible.And when you think about it, that’s a victory unto itself – Galatians 3:17

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