Posts Tagged ‘religion’

Wasn’t one of the commandments “thou shalt not gamble” or something to that effect? I guess Yahweh is one of those parents that preaches “do as I say not as I do” because in the Book of Job, he takes gambling to the extreme. For those not familiar with the Job and his book, let me paint you a picture.

Once upon a time ago, there was this dude named Job. Job was a blessed man who always aspired to do the right thing. Rescuing your kitty from a burning bush, saving your lambs from renegade gargoyles, reminding children to say their prayers and take their vitamins, he was your typical Mr. Rogers of the Torrah. So one day, Job is minding his own business, doing his  nice guy thing when Satan calls up Yahweh. The conversation goes a little something like this…

Satan: Yo, mah niggaaaaaaaaa, what’s up!

*Michael hands phone to Yahweh*

Michael: It’s him again.

Yah: “Sigh.” What do you want Lucifer?

Satan: I told you about callin me Lucifer. Dat’s my slave name. I’m Satan now.

Yah: Like oh my god, is that what you called me for? Listen, long distance is like kinda expensive and I have like a lot of stuff on my mind right now and I really don’t need–

Satan: Listen, listen. I’ve been keeping my eye on this Job guy. He does everything you say and you don’t even have to torture him first. How do you do it?

Yah: I don’t do anything. Job is a nice guy. He follows my will because he like totally loves me.

Satan: Really? I don’t know man. I think he’s doin it mainly for the benefits.

*Yahweh sits up and twirls his hair*

Yah: What do you mean?

Satan: Listen, I didn’t wanna be the one to have to tell you this but you kinda got a reputation among the humans down here. I know you think they “love” you and all that good shit but word in the promised land is they just think you’re crazy.

Yah: So what. I have some haters but Job isn’t like that. He follows my will because he wants to. I’ve like never forced him to do anything.

Satan: Care to make a little wager then?

Yah: What kind of wager?

Satan: Here’s the deal. I bet if you take away all of Job’s blessings, make his his life a living hell, he’ll forsake you. If I win I get his soul if you win then you prove yourself to be right and I know for you there’s no greater victory than being right.

Yah: Ok Satan. I accept your bet. Do what you must to Job.

So as you see, that one little conversation would have a tremendous effect on Job’s life. Yahweh removed Job from his protection which allowed Satan to come in and fuck up his life. Wife divorced him, 13 year old daughter got pregnant, caught the gout, everything bad that could happen to you in life Satan made sure to visit upon Job. But instead of blaming Yahweh, good ol Job simply blamed himself for his bad luck. Even going so far as to get depressed and convincing himself if he had never been born none of these bad things would be happening to him. Damn, now that’s loyalty.

{PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP}    Hey God, It’s me again. You haven’t returned any of my prayers. It’s been 3 weeks now. I’m kinda dying over here. Soooo, ok, I’ll talk to you later then.

Eventually Job begins to question Yahweh.In true asshole fashion, Yahweh doesn’t answer any of Job’s prayers and even replays his messages on the prayer machine and mocks them with all the angels. With Yahweh being a douche, Job turns to his three friends Jerriphous, Georgious, and Kramus for guidance. Like most friends, the three offer no real help other than to talk shit about Yahweh in order to make   Job feel better about himself. Yahweh always listening, can no longer contain himself and appears unto them saying “OMG. I can’t even leave you alone for one millennium without you whining like a baby. I’m going to ask you some questions and you need to answer them.”

After Yahweh speaks, Job, who seconds ago was literally about to rip into Yahweh and the entire Hebrew faith losses his nerve and tells Yahweh that he is unworthy to talk to him and puts his hand over his mouth, symbolizing his bitchassness.  Yahweh takes this as a sign for victory and teleports back to heaven. The next day Yahweh restores all of Job’s calamities and blesses him with7 sons and 3 daughters. The daughters were said to be the finest agarots in all the land so I’m sure Job properly pimped them out to the highest bidder and tripled his fortune. Remember kids, women had no rights in these times so whoring them out to the highest bidder was “A ok” in the eyes of the Lord.

Job’s daughters…All dat ass in dem dresses.

People of the faith will tell you that this story was an example about how having faith in God no matter what will ultimatly reward you. I think these people are wrong. The Bible is all about interpretation and what I interpreted from this story was never go full “nice guy.” Job’s problem was that he was too damn nice. So nice that he earned a reputation for being the nicest guy in all the land.

Of course when you have a rep like that people are gonna come fuck with it. In Job’s case those people just happened to be the Lord of Heaven and and the Master of Heaven. Job was fucked from the start.  Sure in the end Yahweh rewarded him with a bunch a sweet shit but will it replace all the mental scars from the shit he had to go through before? In the back of his mind he was probably paranoid as fuck knowing that on any whim Yahweh could take away all his new shit just to play another game with his life; and who knows who long it would last the next time.

The real winners in this story are Josephous the baker, Carl the carpenter, and all the other people not included in the story. These people were regular, run of the mill Hebrews who treaded the fine line of mediocracy.  They weren’t too nice yet too mean and because of that they weren’t noticed by Yahweh or Satan. So if you don’t want God fucking up your life, always strive for the bare minimum. Sure you might not be blessed with 3 fine ass daughters but you also won’t get a huge celestial penis shoved in your ass.

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Yahweh, the God of the Torrah was really something else. Out of all the gods that ever existed, I think I he loved punking humans the most. He almost seemed addicted to it. One of my favorite examples from his many pranks came in the form of Sodom and Gomorrah.

We all know the story Sodom and Gomorrah were the Vegas and Amsterdam of their time. Yahweh accepted all their shit but when homosexuality and sodomy became legalized, he said “you mutha fuckas are crazy” and torched the place.

Yahweh didn’t kill everyone however. As any good gangsta knows, in order to increase your hood status you have to leave at least one survivor. Someone to live on and pass the message, “don’t fuck with this guy. Mofo bombed an entire city.” So Yahweh choose Abraham to be his message boy.

Yahweh tells good ol Abe that the shit is goin down but he and his

Abraham’s only mistake. Not keeping his ho in line.

family will be spared because their not fucking animals like the rest of their crazy friends. It’s go tiem now and Abe and his fam have all their stuff packed and ready to go. Yahweh tells Abe to start running but what ever you do “DON’T LOOK BACK.”

Now this shit is hilarious to me because when you tell someone “not” to do something, what’s the first hing they’re gonna do? Exactly. it’s even funnier when you remember the fact that Yahweh sees the past, present, and future at the same time so he knows what’s going to happen before it happens while it’s happening. Yahweh knew Sarah was going to turn back.   So the question is, if he knew Sarah was going to turn back and look, why did he bother telling her?

Simple, I think Yahweh purposely told Sarah not to look back so that she WOULD look back thus turning her to ash. Why would Yahweh do that you ask? Cause he’s a dick and that’s what dicks do. As a dick for 20 years I can recognize a dick move when I see one and trust me bro, that was a masterly executed cosmic dick move.